Originally article from Viha Connection Magazine at oshoviha.org
The sky is heavy this morning here in Lausanne. Pearl-grey clouds hover in the sky, and gusts of rain fall on the lake. Yet incredible rays of sunlight find their way to my table. In the distance, the still-white peaks of the Alps sparkle. The sky is a perfect reflection of my days spent at the foot of the Himalayas.
Inside me, everything is calm. A quiet joy spreads gently through my cells. Spring is showing up, and it is soft. Doing nothing, spring comes, and the grass grows by itself... It has been 21 days since the 21-day retreat ended. I feel in love with life, in infinite gratitude.
At the end of December, I resigned from my management position in a consulting firm. A colleague asked me if I was planning to return to India, now that I had free time. I firmly said, “No, India is finished for me. I will not go back.”
Three weeks later, I am on my computer looking for a flight to Dharamsala. It’s been 40 years since I took sannyas, and my connection to Osho has dried up over the last 20 years. After many sparkling years, my path led me to other inspirations.
In early January, as I was looking for a retreat near my home to start the New Year, a sannyasin friend asked, “Why don’t you go to Italy? Shunyo is offering a five-day Vipassana.” Hmm. Dynamic and Kundalini and Osho’s discourses? Not appealing... But then there’s the silence... I’ll go, but I won’t do it all.
I ended up doing everything, without a second thought. Like the rays of the sun, Osho’s love vibes seeped into me, seemingly out of nowhere. Touched in the heart. Tears... Where have I been?
As soon as I get back, I book the silent retreat in Nisarga that is starting two weeks later. Back to India... As soon as I land in Delhi, my soul sings, and I can’t stop giggling.
Osho Nisarga: pure enchantment. Everything I love is there: meditation, mountains, nature, beauty, care for everything and everyone. And all around, a North India that I knew little about: peaceful, green, soft, and luminous.
In my room, I find 21 candles to accompany the 21 evening meditations on our own. I put them in the drawer so as not to be scared by the number. I will take them out one by one.
21 days of silence: the path of no escape. The most radical way to know myself, right here, right now. The radical truth of this moment.
What shows up is all there is! No matter how much I would like this moment to be different, no matter how much I try to control it in order to make it last longer, to make it easier, more entertaining...no matter how many spiritual tricks I try to use to get out of my mind... What is, is. I can only be with it. This is it!
And then doors open. Unexpectedly, the absolute reveals itself. True being happens. It is as big and as simple as that. And it disappears to show up again, or not, now or later.
After a week feeling like Alice in Wonderland, filled with a sense of utter freedom, ecstatic body openings, and the wonders of nature walks, after days of zapping through the 101 radio channels of my mind, I’ve dived into a vortex of pain, resentment, anger, self-hatred, unworthiness, that slowly turns into an infinite ocean of sadness, sweet and cleansing, opening into waves of love and letting go.
No stone is left unturned... Yes, it sometimes felt like hell, but I felt so supported by the holding of the retreat’s structure, by the invisible, yet dedicated presence of the staff of Nisarga, by the commitment of the other participants, and...by my unshakable love for truth, and by this zest of love, specific to Osho’s field, that pierces my heart.
It is a challenging process: 21 days of silence and seclusion. There is no distraction from this very moment, no way to leak out, no friend’s shoulder to cry on, no journaling to clarify the mind, no hugs, no Netflix, no glass of wine. And there is so much depth and joy. The individual is meeting gods; being happening while facing truth.
This retreat has washed my heart, as the river of Nisarga polishes the Himalayan rocks along its banks. My heart feels like a yellow butterfly in a field of wildflowers. I surrender to love and grace.
Twenty-one days later, at the feet of the Alps, the process goes on. I am facing a new life after resigning from work and separating from the man I have walked with for the past 14 years; I feel a solid inner ground, a strong yet flexible backbone. I am ready to face the unknown, with infinite curiosity and trust that everything constantly changes.
May the heart guide me!
