I was born in Brazil, in 1992. As we all know, the people in my country have a very celebrative way to live life. Samba, beer, carnival! Every little thing is a great excuse to have a ‘happy hour’. But that was not the case for me until I found Osho.
Ever since I can remember, the loudness inside my head made me miserable. I really could not understand how everybody was functioning and living their lives happily. ‘’Maybe I’m crazy… this anguish that I feel is not right… what am I doing on this Earth?!’’ I was 18 years old and couldn’t see the point in living. Nothing fulfilled me.
My beautiful father, always so loving to me, was doing everything to put me out of my misery. He didn’t understand why I was so unhappy. He took me to churches, psychiatrists, hairdressers. The poor guy even tried to set me up on dates! I could see that he was really trying. Someone told him about a different therapist, that perhaps I might like this one. He called him up immediately to schedule an appointment for me.
The day had come, and as I walked into his office, my mind had only one thought: ‘’Oh boy, here we go again! I have to ditch one more doctor now’’ However, for my surprise, I was actually enjoying sitting with this guy. I didn’t say a word and he didn’t ask me anything either. I kept going back there, and for a few weeks, our sessions were just like that: complete silence. The only thing he knew about me, was my name.
On the fourth or fifth time I was there, he said to me: ‘’our time is up, sweetie. I just want to tell you something, it might not make any sense right now, but think about it: YOU ARE NOT YOUR MIND.’’ That really shook my ground. I felt extremely relieved and at the same time, more lost than before. If I am not my mind, who am I?
With that question, I feel like Existence was preparing me for a big surprise.
After a few months going to this guy, he gave me a very special gift. An Osho book. I saw His picture in the back cover and my knees got weak. I couldn’t say anything. Tears were pouring down my face and I had this strong feeling in my heart. I found Him! I just couldn’t understand what was happening to me. My whole being was longing for Osho. It was like I was missing something without Him. I couldn’t stop crying for weeks. I went back to the doctor and thanked him. He had brought my Master to me. I didn’t need to go back there anymore.
I carried this book with me, along with Osho’s pictures, like I was carrying a treasure. It was much more than that, actually. His words were like bullets in my heart, everything was right! I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. ‘’You are born; birth is only an opportunity, just the beginning. You have to flower. Your only responsibility is to become alert, aware. You feel empty because you have not yet encountered your real self. You have not yet come to your authentic individuality. All you need is just to be watchful, you can be where you are, and you can continue to do what you are doing. Just a new thing has to be evolved: Whatever you do, you do with awareness.” A huge YES was echoing in my soul.
My family was completely in shock! If they thought I was crazy before, I had lost it completely now! I was singing songs and dancing in front of the picture of a beardy Indian fellow, repeating his words like a broken record, crying and laughing at the same time! I was in ecstasy. I went back to the doctor and thanked him. He had brought my Master to me. I didn’t need to go back there anymore.
Taking sannyas was the only way to go. My heart and soul were already surrendered to Osho, taking His name and mala was a very natural step.
My new name, Tara, is the same name I used to give to all my dolls as a kid, and it is not a very common name where I live. I feel Osho has been calling me since my childhood, in many different ways. When I look back, I see He was with me all my life, even before I knew anything about Him.
My feeling is that this love affair didn’t start three years ago, but way back. It is a fire that has been inside me for lives before, and now it’s burning again intensely. Existence works in mysterious ways and I feel it has brought me back to Osho in the right time, and my life is His now. I trust Him with all my heart. I am deeply grateful for all His blessings.
I feel supported in every possible way. Finding Osho Nisarga was also an amazing turning point in my journey, and I thank Osho every day, to have put me in this place and everyone here, in my life. I feel like I found a home and a family here. I met beautiful seekers, fellow sannyasins, and I feel Osho’s presence and love through them.
Thank you Osho for coming into my life, for showing me that I am not this crazy mind. I am not my past. Thank you for being with me in every breath that I take, for showing me that crying and feeling pain are also beautiful, that I am responsible for my own happiness, for showing me that I am wanted, I am unique. Thank you for bringing me closer to myself. I love you and I feel your presence in my heart. I am moving into the unknown alone, and it is really scary sometimes but seeing you in all your royalty and grace, standing alone like a fearless lion, gives me courage and strength.
I guess that I cannot even say that Osho changed my life. I was not living before, I was surviving. Now life has a new meaning to me. For the first time, I feel like I belong here on this Earth. I need to find my true home, I need to find something that cannot be taken away, not even by death. I am searching for my own self.
Today I feel reborn. Life has a flavor! Even the smallest things have been beautiful! I never thought that brushing my teeth and sitting silently doing nothing, could give me so much joy! I feel alive. Gratitude is really the word for me in this moment, for everything that has ever happened in my story of life. It has brought me to Osho and I feel like a totally different being now. I love this beautiful Master for helping me to love and accept myself.
My life has turned upside down and I have never been happier. I feel courageous to look at my pain, to celebrate in the peaks and rest patiently in the deep valleys. All I can do is bring more and more awareness into my life and be present in every moment that I can remember. I feel ready to stand on my own, knowing that Osho is always here with me.
Ma Dhyan Tara
